I don’t remember one jump or one leap,
Just quiet steps away from your lead
-Nickel Creek, Reasons Why
I have not been a wonderful person recently. I have not been kind, patient or content. I have been mean, I have been selfish, and I have failed to believe things that God has promised: that He is sovereign, that He is powerful, and that He loves me. I have been bitter about being lonely and homesick and have forgotten (of course) the Truth about who I am, and whose I am. I have slowly forgotten the best way to live, and have failed to pray, be still, or love well. I have discovered these things under the veil of self-pitying justification I have been hiding behind, and I am bringing them out to air.
I’ve restarted this next paragraph a dozen times already, because I’m not sure how to go on from here. I can at least report that my heart is softening. Tampa and I have reached a peaceful alliance, and Kyle and I have begun to make friends, small in number but great in significance as we readjust to living life alongside other people. We are confident that we have found a church where we will find a loving, available community. Our life feels to be normalizing in spite of my kicking and screaming, and it seems that God is making something beautiful after all.
Our God is full of grace, especially for me, especially in this season. He is scooping me up and brushing me off and looking me in the face to tell me some things I desperately need to hear. I am not angry, but I am aware of my own helplessness. I am humbled by the forgiveness He has shown me and sure of His faithfulness. I wrote the following things in my journal tonight:
“Thank You for making saints out of the ashes. Thank You that You have chosen to redeem Your children. Thank You for being a good Father. I love you. I am just small and hopeless and I love you. I think that you are glad to hear it.”
Love to all of you.